Muslim girl leaving home due to abuse – Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari

Question:

Is it permissible for a young Muslim girl to move out of the home, due to very abusive parents? Can a girl marry without her father’s consent?

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Praise be to Allah. May the peace and blessings of Allah shower upon our Beloved Messenger, his family, companions, and those who follow them.

Dear Sister,

Your obligations to your parents are to respect them, treat them kindly, and obey them in everything that is halal (permissible). If you are experiencing abuse at the hands of your parents, you have several options depending on what type of abuse this is. If this is a case of emotional or mental abuse, perhaps you can explain to your parents how they are making you feel. Try to appeal to any sense of taqwa or decency they might have.

If you are being physically abused, then I would advise you to go to a trusted relative or friend’s house. Make sure that you’re not going into a situation that may be worse in terms of non-mahram males or the like.

Physical abuse should not be taken lightly, so if this is the case, you need to remove yourself from the situation to preserve your health and safety.

You mentioned marriage without your father’s consent. Are you considering marrying as a way out of this abusive situation? If this is the case, according to the Hanafi School, you can marry without your father’s consent, provided that the person is Kuf’ or suitable in religion, lineage, and profession. I would still attempt to get the father’s permission. However, if your father is the one who is abusing you, then you are allowed to seek a way out of this situation by going with the Hanafi School.

Finally, please try to consult a local scholar who can further advise you.

And Allah knows best. And Allah alone gives success.

Umm Salah

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=12&ID=4818&CATE=212

Dealing with an abusive father – Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari

Question:

I would like to ask if your father abuses you as a child and has hurt you and beat you up leaving you with marks to go to school and has abused you since a little child to the point you felt like you worth nothing and you didn’t do anything to deserve what had happened to you and he later abandons you because he believes that you disrespected him, when all your life he made you feel as if everything was your fault when it wasn’t and mother of that child even knows that because she has been abused as well.

Since 14 the child’s family has been divorced and the father has used Allah swt for his wrong doings and has been very cultural. I read a hadith saying that cutting off ties who are blood related and not being helped will not enter paradise and this whole time this person has not been helped or supported and abandoned since 14 years old from his father.This child lives with his mother who has supported him.

My question is what should this person do , what should the one do who has been abandoned, not been supported, and been abused by his father? This person is good and loves Islam and tries his best to be good and has been making dua and praying for his father but is still full of pain, while his father doesn’t feel at all he has done anything wrong and feels nothing towards this child. Is this kid at fault? Is the child in a state of getting bad deeds because of this problem? Is there any way to get closer to Allah swt to get rid of this pain?

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Praise be to Allah. May Allah’s peace and blessings shower upon our beloved Messenger.

Dear Questioner,

I pray that this message finds you in a state of strengthened iman and renewed spirits.

Children who have suffered abuse often blame themselves, seeking to find some explanation for the abuser’s behavior. Please understand this: You are not at fault for what happened!

No parent has the right to abuse his or her child. Allah Most High has entrusted parents with a tremendous amana or trust: raising, nurturing, and loving a human being, and teaching that child about his or her religion.

When a parent violates this trust through abuse, be it physical, mental, or emotional, or neglects his or her child through abandonment or non-support, these actions constitute enormities, major sins in the sight of Allah Most High. The abusive and negligent parent will have much to answer for on the Day of Judgment, when Allah Most High knows what we have done, down to an atom’s weight of good or evil.

It is obligatory for that parent to repent to Allah Most High and beg His forgiveness for violating the responsibility with which he or she was entrusted.

You are right to continue to pray for your father. Allah Most High hears and responds to our prayers, often in ways that may not be immediately apparent. A crucial first step in resolving your anger toward your father is to pray for him. It is completely natural that you have a certain amount of resentment. The thing to remember is that:

1. You are not at fault. A child does not ask to be abused.

2. Your father is answerable to Allah Most High for what he has done.

3. Resentment and bitterness can tear a person’s heart. You don’t want to be weighed down by these feelings, so strive to put things in perspective and move on with your life. Alhamdulillah, you have a mother who seems to have looked out for you.

4. Yes, you will feel pain, but you can channel these feelings in a different direction. Allah willing, when you start your own family, you will know what NOT to do in raising your children.

5. As far as your relationship with your father is concerned, you can still maintain family ties by praying for him and being good to him, but you MUST NOT subject yourself to any type of abuse. The Prophet, peace be upon him said, “A person should help his brother whether he is an oppressor or an oppressed. If he is the oppressor he should prevent him from doing it, for that is his help; and if he is the oppressed he should be helped (against oppression).” [Sahih Muslim, Book 32, Number 6254]

6. Last but certainly not least, you may want to seek the help of a qualified counselor or therapist to help you work through these issues. The effects of child abuse can linger well into adulthood, and it may be of benefit to learn some strategies for coping with your pain, learning from it, and moving beyond.

Turn to Allah Most High in all your thoughts and prayers. Be constant in your obligatory prayers and perform voluntary worship. It is reported in a Hadith Qudsi:

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:

“Allah (mighty and sublime be He) said:

‘Whosoever shows enmity to someone devoted to Me, I shall be at war with him. My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it. I do not hesitate about anything as much as I hesitate about [seizing] the soul of My faithful servant: he hates death and I hate hurting him.’”

[Bukhari]

Please see these articles on SunniPath for more advice:

Tribulations, Hardships, and Difficulties: Supplications and Advice

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=7&ID=1899&CATE=105

Increasing Faith

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=4785&CATE=24

Source:

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=3&ID=5687&CATE=327

A Victim of Sexual Abuse – Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari

Question:

I am a victim of sexual abuse as a very young child, at home. And our household situation was really crazy. I am still traumatized by it, and feel deep despair about life and my personal situation. Is there any way out of this?

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.

Dear Sister,

I pray this message reaches you in better health and spirits.

Please bear with me, as a few points need to be discussed:

1. Too often, sexual abuse is swept under the carpet in our communities. This does not help; in fact, it makes matters worse because the perpetrators believe that they can get away with their actions.

2. When someone is sexually abused by a family member, this a double betrayal. First, that person broke the trust of kinship. Second, that person took advantage of the family member’s loyalty not to reveal the secret.

3. Healing from sexual abuse is a lifelong process, which involves both the individual and the family. Until the family acknowledges that you were hurt and they failed to protect you, things will not move forward. Until the abuser takes responsibility for his actions, things will not go forward. And until you stop blaming yourself, things will not move forward.

4. Things are not alright and you should not pretend otherwise. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. In fact, you owe this to yourself. Your family also needs to seek therapy. You’ve mentioned other disturbing incidents, including attempted suicide. All of these problems need to be dealt with. Pretending that’s everything’s okay is a sure recipe for disaster since these problems will continue to fester.

5. I understand that you’re concerned about your parents’ health. Yes, they might not have the best reaction if you seek therapy. But you owe it to yourself to begin the healing process. And until you begin to heal yourself, it’s not going to be possible to help those around you.

May Allah Ta’ala give you and your family healing from these illnesses and forgiveness for your sins.

And Allah knows best.

http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=7&ID=11602&CATE=1434

Spouse Abuse in Islam

QUESTION What are the rights of woman after marriage? If the husband calls the wife to bed, can she say no? Does the husband need the wife’s consent to have Intercourse? If there is no consent, and the wife doesn’t want to, and he forces himself over her, isn’t that rape?
ANSWER In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful, Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him, thus he spends the night in anger, the angels curse her until morning.” (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim, See: Riyad al-Salihin, no. 281) Sayyiduna Talq ibn Ali (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “When a man calls his wife for sexual intimacy, she should come, even if she is (busy) in the cooking area.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi & Sunan al-Nasa’i) Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “By the one in whose hands is my life, there is not a man who calls his wife for sexual intimacy and she refuses him except that Allah becomes angry with her until her husband is pleased with her.” (Sahih Muslim, No. 1436) The above and other narrations of the beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) clearly signify the importance of the wife obeying her husband in his request for sexual intimacy. It will be a grave sin (in normal circumstances) for the wife to refuse her husband, and even more, if this leads the husband into the unlawful. Imam al-Nawawi (Allah have mercy on him) states in his commentary on the Hadith of Abu Huraira stated above: “This Hadith indicates that it is unlawful (haram) for the wife to refuse her husband for sexual intimacy without a valid reason. Menstruation will not be considered a valid reason, for the husband has a right to enjoy her from above the garment (on top of cloths).” (Sharh Sahih Muslim, P. 1084) However, the above does not in any way mean that the husband may force himself over her for sexual gratification. The Hadith mentions “the husband spends the night in anger or being displeased” which clearly shows that he must restrain himself from forcing himself over her. Had this not been the case, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would have advised the husband to gain his right in a forceful manner. Similarly, it should be remembered here that, the wife must obey her husband in his request for sexual intimacy unless she has a valid reason. She must obey his as long as she does not have to forego her own rights. As such, if the wife is ill, fears physical harm or she is emotionally drained, etc; she will not be obliged to comply with her husband’s request for sexual intimacy. Rather, the husband would be required to show her consideration. Allah Most High says: “On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear.” (Surah al-Baqarah, 286) Many times it is observed that the husband demands from his wife to fulfil his sexual needs no matter what state she is in, and uses the above quoted Hadiths to impose himself over her. If the wife is not in a state to engage in sexual activities and has a genuine and valid reason, and the husband forces her, then he will be sinful. Muslim husbands should realize that their wives are also humans and not some type of machines that can be switched on whenever they desire! Finally, these matters should be resolved with mutual understanding, regard for one another, love, gentleness and putting one’s spouse before one’s self. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) has reported to have said: “None of you can be a true believer until he loves for his brother/sister what he loves for himself.” The importance of this is even greater in a marital relationship. And Allah Knows Best Muhammad ibn Adam Darul Iftaa Leicester , UK
http://daruliftaa.com/question.asp?txt_QuestionID=q-07335282

The Purpose

Bismillah

The purpose of starting this blog is to provide beneficial material to Muslim survivors of sexual abuse.

In many parts of the “Muslim world”, this subject is brushed under the carpet, and not dealt with, so the victims continue to suffer, while the perpetrators continue to hurt others.